We have a responsibility to teach our children what consent is and what it is not. Consent means a mutual agreement for something to happen. During sexual relations consent is everything. If at any time consent is not given or changes, then this decision must be respected. Consent cannot be given while intoxicated, while unconscious or while being physically restrained. Consent can be given by words or actions, as long as those words or actions create clear permission regarding willingness to engage in the sexual activity. Silence or lack of resistance in and of itself does not demonstrate consent.  The law applies across sexual orientation and gender identity.

More and more school leaders and educators are understanding that to deter sexual assault in the college years education about consent needs to begin in the middle and high school. The National Sexuality Education Standards provides guidance on the essential minimum core content for sex education that is developmentally appropriate for students K through 12th grade with specific 8-12th guidelines for sexual consent under the topics of personal safety and healthy relationships.

Through reflection and discussion activities students will prepare to answer the following questions:

• What is and isn’t affirmative consent?
• What is the difference between consensual and nonconsensual sexual relations?
• How can you give consent? What words do you use?

Students will also learn the status of national programs advancing affirmative consent and explore ways to apply consent in their lives by creating personal “ground rules.”

Open the lesson by communicating your designed trigger warning. For the lesson on consent, cultural variations may reflect a variety of different practices and beliefs regarding dating and when it is culturally or religiously acceptable to engage in sexual relations. Some students may be hesitant to share their experiences if they do not conform to the perceived norms. Seek out resources and support within your school personnel for help in designing what is developmentally appropriate to communicate with your class.

Introduce the word consent to the class. Ask students for any associations or examples they can think of to explain and define consent. If necessary offer this basic definition: consent means a voluntary agreement to another’s proposition.

As a class watch Tea and Consent, and animated short video explaining consent. After the video have students further refine their definition of consent and in their own words explain the phrase “consent is everything.” Share their reflections in pairs or as a class. Identify common ideas about what is and isn’t consent.

Transition from understanding the definition of consent, to brainstorming everyday situations where consent is given—at home, in school, among friends or in their family. When do they give consent? When is consent difficult to give? In what situations do they not consent? Invite students to share several situations they identified when consent is given and when it is refused.

Explain to students that consent also applies to sexual relations and is often referred to as affirmative consent, or the conscious and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity. When you are engaging in sexual activity consent should be verbally communicated every time. Sex without affirmative consent is sexual assault or rape. In Audrie & Daisy we see several examples where consent was not given and the terrible consequences that resulted.

The White House established an initiative 1 is 2 Many to bring further attention to the crime of sexual assault and rape. You may choose to show their public service announcement before exploring consent in more depth with your students.

For the teacher: For middle grade students the discussion on consent should look very different than for students in the upper high school years. Adjust the language and exposure to these rules appropriately. Invite students to pose questions privately in written form, or verbally during the discussion to share with the class.

Introduce to students these general guidelines or ground rules for understanding consent

Consent is:.

• Communicating when you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”
• Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by verbally saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”
• Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level. Always check in verbally just to make sure.
• Never given when intoxicated. If unsure, wait and have the conversation when both of you are sober. To examine the role of alcohol in more depth see the Discussion Guide for Audrie & Daisy which has a section dedicated to the role alcohol plays in sexual assault.
• Never assumed. Just because you engaged in sexual activity in the past with this person does not mean it is OK every time. Nor is wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing an invitation for anything more.
• A legal age defined by the state.  It is important to be aware of sexual consent laws and how it applies to individuals 18 years and older.

Allow students the opportunity to discuss these “ground rules” in small groups in respectful and open dialogue to further clarify what is and isn’t consent.

• Consent is voluntary and mutual, and can be withdrawn at any time.

Discuss: What does mutual consent look like? How do you know? What questions can you ask?

• You can change your mind at any time.

Discuss: When would you imagine this occurring? How would you express this need?

• Past consent (you kissed once before) does not mean current or future consent.

Discuss: How would you check in about consent? Is it only verbal?

• One cannot always consent when under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs.

Discuss: Can one ever consent under the influence of alcohol or drugs? When?

If time permits, have students add other ground rules.  If students ask questions you are unprepared to respond to, it is important to be honest and simply tell students that you will explore their question with colleagues or other trained professionals in the field. You may also want to direct students to several national campaigns to raise awareness about consent including Project PAVE #ConsentIs Campaign.

It is important to reiterate your trigger warning with these video segments as they focus on sexual assault, Audrie’s reaction after the assault and the events of Daisy and Paige’s assault.

Audrie FB post 14:15 – 16:55

Daisy and Paige’s Assault  25:00 – 33:50 ends with Daisy’s phrase “I guess I was still pretty messed up still. I was really confused.”

For the teacher to hand out:

After discussing what is and isn’t consent, and after seeing and hearing about the appalling cases when consent was not given by Audrie, Daisy and so many others, each of us may feel scared, uncertain and confused. The response for this lesson is simple: reflect and write about your ground rules around consent. This reflection is confidential between you and me (your teacher), and will remain in your journal.